utah

The truth about postpartum

I had Hawk four months ago and a lot has changed.. and I’m not talking about my body cuz lord knows I still have a bump.

Postpartum depression, postpartum bodies, postpartum, hospital broth, labor and delivery, body after baby

As I sit here and look at this photo that I took an hour after I had hawk… looking fabulously tragic after enduring a 14 hour strenuous labor where everything went wrong.. I was on my way to use the bathroom for the first time after I gave birth (𝑜𝑢𝑐ℎ!)

I remember passing the mirror… backing up.. staring at myself for a long and hard moment while tears filled me eyes.
Maybe I was emotional from what I had gone through not to long before.. I’m not sure what it was, but I knew I needed to document who I was in THAT moment.

I felt embarrassed by how I looked.
I felt sloppy.
I felt like I failed the hospital staff because Hawk was stuck and wouldn’t come out and because my body wasn’t wanting to stay in labor.
I felt like my body failed me.
I felt disgusting.
I was confused and felt like a major disappointment.

You are probably wondering why I wanted a reminder of all of that. I wanted it to remember who I was and how she didn’t serve me at all.

It’s a reminder to give myself the grace I deserve daily.
A reminder that I didn’t fail myself or anyone. That my body did everything it could in those moments and that although things may not have gone as planned- that it was Hawk’s birth story and that alone made it perfectly beautiful.
I’m reminded that although I didn’t have one of those “bounce back” bodies, that my body held my beautiful boy (plus my other beautiful babies) for 9+ months and that alone makes my body some type of wonderful.

Those deep, painful moments of sadness and self loathing have made me a better person. They have helped me see who I shouldn’t be and why. I have found the courage and power to love myself through my rough moments and dark seasons, so for this photo- I am grateful.

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