utah

Feeling your feelings

Over the weekend my Husband and I were speaking. During this innocent conversation, He told me something.. that I have a victims mentality.

To some, that could seem harsh.. even cruel. But it wasn’t that at all. It came from such love..

He wasn’t saying that I play the victim.. he was saying that I have endured so much trauma throughout my life that my brain is wired to it. I’m constantly In fear of those traumas repeating so I am always protecting myself.

Its something I didn’t fully understand about myself. Something I never really noticed… but oh how it is true.

You see.. I am a type 6 enneagram. So a part of me had to have known this.

I have endured rape at a young age, physical abuse by a man I loved, a VERY unhealthy marriage, being homeless, drug dependency, mental health issues at times.
These are things that I’ve always been extremely open about on this platform.

The issue was that I thought I had healed those wounds.. I think I felt like I was above them all. Like I had grown through them.. but when I feel my feelings on the topics of trauma- I still feel sadness.. so clearly my husband sees me more that I do.
I must still need work.

Moments like these give me such gratitude for my Husband. In telling me that- he gave me a chance to see more clearly. He gave me a chance to better myself. He trusted me enough to tell me this even though he knew it could go two ways. Either I could be defensive and hurt by it, or that I could hear it and want to fix it.

I chose to hear him.. to fully feel the feelings that came.. which were sadness for myself and gratitude for my husband..
I choose today and everyday to do better for myself.
I choose to find every way possible to be my best self.

I refuse to be a victim of my past traumas any longer.

And oh how grateful I am for the ability to change and overcome anything!
I mean heck, four years ago I was homeless.. and look where I am today!
I have my family, a home.. three vehicles.. food in our fridge.. my husband has two amazing jobs and I have this platform!

I have all the faith I need in myself to be able to be my best self. So, here’s to all of us who are working to be our best selves! 🥂

♥︎

Head over to my instagram to follow more of my life!

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