Two months (and some change) postpartum and I’m feeling confident.
Confidence is something the never came easy to me.
Since a very young age, I struggled with how I looked. I picked, poked, grabbed and loathed. Self hatred burned deep in my heart.
Body dysmorphia is how it began.. I remember the first time I cried over my body. I was 7 years old. SEVEN. I had a full blown panic attack over how my stomach looked in my looney toons jeans .. from then, it grew.
Manifested into more self hate.
Anorexia hit when I was 15 and since then I have had many episodes of anorexia. Sure, it may never have stayed permanently, but it sure creeps back up more often than not.
After I had Hawk, I quit eating. Lost interest in food. I loved how I felt not eating.. I felt a clarity I can’t explain.. I lost 36 pounds within a matter of 2.5-3 weeks.
I quickly recognized what had happened and what I ultimately was doing, so I stopped. I changed my ways.
This time is different. I am ready to break my patterns.
FINALLY- feel like I am overcoming that dark mentality. A mentality that has been with me for 25 years..
I am ready to stop making myself suffer.
That is HUGE.
That is progress.
That’s something I take serious pride in.
I am honestly not really focusing on weight loss.. the scale is just a number.. A number which makes me crazy. This time, I am trying to focus on my overall health.
Happiness in my skin.
Finding self love.
I am not dieting. I work out maybe 4x a week- with two of those being in a gym. I’m not stressing myself out to reach a certain goal.
I am just listening to myself, feeling my needs and acting on them in the moment felt. No stress.. nothing that will discourage me..
And it’s working. I don’t care what my scale says. I feel great. I feel beautiful.
This is a lifestyle change journey- not a weight loss one. ❤️
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