Lately I have been stuck in a rut.
Filled with anxiety.
And for reasons I can’t quite describe.
But I’ll try.
Several months ago, my mother needed help. She had a neighbor causing her mental and emotional distress, so I wanted to help her. I wanted to give her a safe place to live.. I wanted her to be surrounded by love and peace. I was thrilled to be able to help her.
Obviously, I don’t have a large home, so I had her sleep in my Son’s room and got them a blow up bed (which they loved!)
We were all willing, wanting and able to help her, and when you are in a position like that- you don’t turn your back on loved ones.
During this time that she lived in our home, I was pregnant, building my brand, struggling with my mental health and raging hormones from my hard pregnancy, dealing with secret custody battles and more.
I was open about most of this, but not all of it with her. You see, I’m sort of a recluse. I withhold a lot from those I love to protect them.. to not burden them.. whatever the reason may be.
Things seemed to be going well. Sure, not every day or even every moment was easy. We were adding another person into an already chaotic and loud home😆 So naturally, things feel crowded at times with and without her there. (what would you expect with 5/6 children!?)
I’m not sure if you’ve ever experienced mental health issues, but for me personally- if I am upset- it is typically best to let me work it out myself instead of questioning me, so there were times I snapped at her and ultimately apologized, but all seemed well.
She was my safe place, so I assumed she would understand that it was just all a part of my mental health and not who I truly was.
Still, things seemed good.. I look back and think up to the day she left, and all seemed good.. I had no inclination she was upset with me.. or whatever she was upset with.
The day she moved out, she was emotional and decided it would be best for her to go get help- I didn’t understand why she needed to move out to go get help, so I was hurt because all of her emotions came out of no where. Literally a half hour prior she was fine.. grocery shopping with me!
(And let me remind y’all, this is from MY perspective! Everyone perceives everything their own way, so keep that in mind. This is not against her or anything she did, this is just my way to tell my side to try to help me understand her side better.)
During her emotional moment, I didn’t handle it well.. I now know that I could’ve handled myself better. She was trying to explain to me what was happening, but in that- I wasn’t understanding any of it.. Honestly, it ignited my PTSD.. I felt abandoned. And when I feel abandoned, I shut down.. I almost go blank in my head so anything she tried to tell me, I don’t feel like I understood for that reason alone..
Because honestly, in my right mind, I would have understood! Heck, I’ve been hospitalized for my mental health before, so I would have understood.. but for some reason- in that moment-I didn’t.. I feel that I handled it poorly.
I used it as a moment to be hurt.. to bring up the past..
I now know that my reaction was beyond in appropriate, and even though she was very kind and loving towards me in that moment, I feel guilt..
I feel guilt for it all. From the moment I invited her into my home.
You see, I have always fantasized about a day where my mom lived on the same property as my children and I, so I was excited she was there.. but I was selfish.
Selfish and hopeful.
I forgot the entire reason she was there. She needed help. She needed love. She needed support. I was so focused on my family, cleaning, errands, my brand, blah blah blah.. that I didn’t focus on her and that’s what she needed from me.
But still, she showed me love and understanding and off she was.. on her way to get help..
Or so I thought.
This is where the real issues came in.. or so I think..
She had moved back home and decided to not get help and during this time, I was still feeling rejected, abandoned and hurt, so to find her away and not getting help like she claimed, I reacted. Poorly.
I can’t remember what I said- it has been months and quite honestly, I refuse to go through the screen shots because I am in a phase of fixing and moving forward, but I know we had a disagreement of what she was doing, but in that.. you know why I see..
Me not being supportive again. Me not minding my damn business. Me acting out because I felt hurt by her.
I can do better. I should do better. I will do better.
Since she left, I have constantly worried about her. I have have found myself in full blown panic attacks worrying about her.
I have calmed down my influencing and blogging because I haven’t been in a very productive state because I am in a constant torment..
Recently, my Sister and I have been discussing her and our childhood a lot and it has helped her and I realize a lot.. about ourselves and our mother. It has honestly aided in helping me.
This has been the longest since I have ever gone without seeing my mom. Typically we saw each other a few times a week, if not daily.
We don’t see each other.. we don’t speak..
I have tried respecting her privacy, but at a certain point- enough’s enough. In order to release negativity, resolve any issues- you have to speak. So recently I have tried.
I wish her nothing but the best. I want her happy. I want her safe. I want her to feel heard and loved. But most of all, I want my mom back. My children want their nana back. I want her to meet her grandson..
Everyone deserves second, third, sixth.. endless chances, and everyone deserves to be heard, so this is my plea to her.
Since she moved out, I have done major self love searching and learned better ways to handle trigger situations, and I feel confident in my new skills.
By far this is my most vulnerable blog post to date.. this post is to my mom.. for my mom.. asking for a chance to be heard.
Like I said earlier- this is how I perceived it all.. this is my best guess at why she is upset with me because, honestly, I don’t understand at all why she would go completely out of her way to stop speaking to me, but I searched deep and this is all I can think of, so if it is wrong, still accept my sincerest apologies.
We are NOT perfect. I am not embarrassed to admit any of this because it is all proof that we all struggle and can change for the better.