freckled doe

♡︎ 𝚃𝚘𝚍𝚊𝚢 𝙸 𝙷𝚘𝚗𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝙼𝚢 𝙿𝚛𝚘𝚐𝚛𝚎𝚜𝚜♡︎

It may be rough today, easy tomorrow and back to rough again the next day..

I cannot expect myself to be the same every single day, and in all reality, I know I won’t be.

It is important for me to meet myself where I am each day and to give myself grace for those rough days.

Today feels like a good day. I feel overall happy and content, but yesterday looked very different.

I hid and cried throughout the day.

I had a panic attack.

I felt anxiety deep in myself.

Some may say that ‘I am in charge of my emotions’.. that ‘I can control them’

No.. I can’t always be that perfect.

I have chemical imbalances. I am not wired to be ‘average’ or ‘normal’..

I have my ups and downs, but this is me!

I manage fairly well even though I struggle daily.

Some tell me to ‘just be medicated’..

No.. I have been on over 30 antidepressants, anxiety meds and N O N E worked.

My body is resistant to those medications. I’d either get dependent, worse or no changes would happen at all.

Yes, you read that right- I threw dependent in there.

Cats outta the bag y’all!

It all happened so quickly that I didn’t realize it happened… It started in 2016.. I was put on a new anxiety medication because my other one quit working and I was going through an UGLY custody battle and suffered hard financial issues- I couldn’t handle what was happening in my life. I didn’t know coping skills then like I know now.

I’d lay in bed all day.. I became robotic.. I was in a state of DEEP calm all day.. popping anxiety meds here and there all day long- definitely more than the recommended doses I’m sure.

My Husband was doing my homemaker duties on top of working just so I could sleep.. driving the children to school every day.. he had to take on every single thing that I did because I had become incapable.

Fairly quickly my Husband noticed what was happening and approached me with such love.. not knowing how I’d respond.. if it was intentional or if I even knew.. which

I didn’t.

I was terrified in that moment. Addiction runs THICK in my family..had I taken steps closer to become my dad!?

I don’t even drink out of fear of becoming that way, so how could I let THIS happen?!

I had been in such a thick state of depression that my mind was fogged alone just from that- so adding something that made me forget my yucky issues.. i got hooked…

I had to change myself. The first step was stopping my meds (with my DR’s help). The withdrawals were horrendous!

I craved it. I twitched.. my hands and my jaw constantly shook.. I legit looked like an addict!

I felt such shame and embarrassment.

Yes, it happened so quickly and may have only lasted two/three months but once I realized- I corrected the issue and have not touched prescription pills again. It absolutely wasn’t easy, but I KNEW it wasn’t who I wanted (or even tried) to be.

Up until today, my Husband and I have kept this to ourselves, but there’s a lesson here.

I am NOT perfect, but my end goal is always the same- be happy, be healthy, make EVERY SINGLE decision based on what is BEST for my family. If it isn’t best for my family- rid ourselves of it!

Simple.

I’m not ashamed or embarrassed. Honestly.. how quickly it happened, from the start to end- I feel grateful for. Not everyone has it that easy!

It made me more aware of what I was putting in my body and more aware of prescription dependency/addiction.

Now I know, and that holds power in its own.