coparenting · divorce · marriage · mentalhealth · parenting · Recovery · self love · truth · utah

It actually does get better!

My soulmate

It really does! Everything gets better.
Today, I have things I prayed for for years.
Sure, I am not where I want to be quite yet, but I am so much closer that where I was.
In 2013, My ex Husband had another affair and left me after 6 years. Which I am grateful for now! One of my biggest blessings in life was my ex leaving me, but what he did after- crushed me. Tore my soul apart. Shattered my heart, and even worse- affected our children in a poor way.

My ex husband took and withheld our 3 children from me, decided if and when I could see them, left me with no money, took my shelter, our families stability, my sanity.. He left me with nothing and he took my children away from their mom all for control all to boost his image.

He shattered my soul so bad that I checked myself into the Hospital the same night he took my kids and placed myself on a Suicide watch. They watched me over night, and then the next day I was transferred to a wellness rehab. Checking myself in to the hospital was the best thing I could do for myself at that time in my life. It was the best thing I could do for my kids.

The hospital stay was the safest feeling one. Although I was locked in a room with no windows, no art on the walls, nothing in the room, besides a bed and a single chair, not even a phone… I felt safe. So many nurses and a psychologist came in and talked to me. They truly heard me. There was no judgement. Just pure love and understanding. A moment when I felt no one was there for me, and that my life was destroyed, the staff at that hospital truly showed my otherwise. I will always be grateful to the staff there. They really helped me.

The next morning, they shuttled me to the other side of of the medical campus and had me in a room full of lazy-boy sofas and all were filled with a survivor, just like me. I sat down in mine, and everyone was emotional around me. Heck- I was emotional. We were all monitored as we sat there. The shower was next to the lazy boys. There was no door and they didn’t allow razors. A nurse had to watch you shower, or go to the restroom. This part of my study was not my favorite. I felt so exposed. I just wanted to touch my children. To smell their smells. To hear their giggles and their playing. To hear their feet as they ran through the house. I wanted to hear, “mommy.. I love you”… I was broke. This place made me feel like I was more broke than I realized. This place made me feel worse. I couldn’t wait to get out.

The next morning I met with my counselor and did some therapeutic exercises. She decided I’d benefit from a wellness rehab center with 24/7 counseling and other benefits. So they put me in a van and sent me there. This place.. this place was an eye opener. This place made me realize how sane I was. (With no intended offense to anyone).. The people there TRULY needed help more than I did. I felt out of place. I was terrified most of the time. I had never been exposed to a place like that. I didn’t enjoy that experience at all. I was grateful when my dad checked me out. I am grateful for the help. I am grateful for the experiences because it truly gave me a knowledge in who I am. In who I can and want to be. It helped me regroup, collect my thought. It showed me that IT CAN BE WORSE. It made me a better Brittni which makes me a mommy and that’s all I can ask for.

By early 2014- I had recovered. I was at my happiest and healthiest. My ex was still withholding our children from me, and I was too young and naive to know how to stop it- but trust me- that changed! I met my now Husband this year. I moved in with him, and we got pregnant with our first daughter together.
2015- We had moved to salt lake county from Utah county to make coparenting easier with my ex. After being there a year, we got evicted because a lot of reasons (I’ll blog about this at a later time!) We got approved for another place to live, just for them to back out on it after they approved us. We ended up homeless because of that. We stayed in a hotel for a few days, then moved to mesquite where family was.
2017- we moved back from Mesquite into a hotel. We lived in a hotel for two months as we tried to save enough money to get an apartment.
We got an apartment and our lives were forever changed.
Our finances became stable, life because easier. We had all we needed. We counted our blessings daily, and still do.
2018- we were able to move into a townhome. It provided our children and family more space.
2019- we had the opportunity to move to a new townhome in a family friendly and safe community.
Since we got that first apartment after the hotel, we have gone up, up and up! We have all new furniture, nothing is hand me downs anymore.
We feel blessed to be where we are. We have more than we ever thought we’d have.
I am grateful for our past struggles though. I am glad we went through it all. I am grateful for everyone who came in to my life and either loved me and stayed or taught me lessons and left. I am so grateful to be who I am, where I am and with my family. Without that negative, I wouldn’t appreciate all I have now.
See, it actually does get better.

My soul, my heart, my everything

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