The woman I am today, is a complete 360° from the woman I used to be. The girl I used to be.
Who I am today was not an easy journey to get to. As a child you don’t know who you are.. you have ideas of who you are and what person you want to become, but along the way you grow and change and blossom into a different person.
My problem was, as I grew, the more impressionable I became. Somewhere and somehow, I got it into my mind that I needed to become the person my friends wanted me to be. The person my family wanted me to be. The person strangers wanted me to be. When in reality, I was enough. I was so afraid that people wouldn’t like me as I was/ introverted, shy.. that’s I NEEDED to morph for people in order to keep people in my life.
You see, I also struggle with security. I need people to stay. I fear being abandoned. (But that’s a story for another day!)
Without realizing it, I was forcing myself to change for people. Not to better myself. To make people like me. To make people understand me. I didn’t realize how that would affect me. That it would grow into a major issue later on in life. I didn’t think about my happiness. I wasn’t true to myself, or anyone else for that matter. I started looking fake to people because I would change at the drop of a hat for someone and then another. And it’s true, i was fake! I didn’t see it then, because I just wanted to make people happy.. make others like me… I thought I was doing good, I didn’t see the reality of it. How it could harm myself and others, until it was too late.
I never took care of myself mentally. I didn’t think I was enough once. years went by and I had gotten so deep into that pattern that I was completely run down. I didn’t realize the issue until I went to marriage counseling with my ex husband and the therapist told me that I needed to figure out who I am. What I liked. Instead of getting through my day to day by saying “I don’t know or I don’t care” to food ideas or activities. I needed to stop trying to make others happy because it completely jeopardized my mental health. My happiness.
I had gone most my childhood, all of my first marriage not being authentic to my true self. It wasn’t until recently that I truly stopped putting others likes before mine. Which is hard!!!! My Husband and my children are my world and I still struggle to speak up because I want them to be happy and satisfied so bad, but I’m better. I’m getting better. I’m better than I was and every day I will continue to grow for the best.
I think a part of me was always afraid it looked selfish to care about yourself. But I’ve since learned that is not true.
My husband said to me recently, “babe, in order to care for us the way you want to, you need to care for yourself that way first.” It really felt right. It made complete sense. I need to care for myself, in order to care for them. I need to love myself, in order to love them. It’s ok to make me a priority too. It’s healthy.
I want to be a good example for my children. I want to be a strong woman. I want to love myself completely. I want to make the right decisions for us all- always. I can’t do any of that, if I am caught up in playing everyone else’s life happiness coach, and ignoring my own.
Today, I will be held accountable. Sure, I begin to do better, become better. I have changed, but I am not where I want to be just yet. I have room to grow! I can continue to strive for better. I know I can. I believe in myself. And I have a group of people who believe in me too. We are not perfect! We all have a crazy chaotic life filled with mistakes, but that doesn’t define us! Remember that!