Letting go of fear and loving myself completely

I’m shy. I’m introverted. I’m socially awkward. I’m damaged 10x over. People mistake me for being a snob because I just sit there and don’t approach them. But what they don’t understand is that makes them the snob. Judging me instead of trying to understand or acknowledge who I truly am.

I’ve struggled with this my entire life. I am definitely a rare person. I am not comfortable having friends and I am not comfortable in social settings. My husbands Christmas work party the other night had me almost in tears because I had such social anxiety. Being introduced to people after people, and having to sit there surrounded by a hundred more had me in some type of head space. 🥴

Where I am comfortable is around my close family and at my home.

It’s not that I don’t want to be around people, get to know people, or be out doing things, but it’s not in my comfort zone. I get anxiety and my nerves go crazy. I get edgy, uncomfortable, paranoid. It’s so bad, that I want my husband, mom or kids with me if I go out so no one approaches me. That way I look “busy” or “distracted”. Sometimes I’ll pretend to be on my phone so people avoid me.

I’ve never understood people (like MY MOM) who are extroverted. Who can sit and chat with strangers all day. Who actually WANT to… it’s something I don’t think I’ll ever understand because to me- I just can’t! I mean, more power to them! That’s amazing, but I could never.

Since when does shyness, social anxiety and introverted make you a snob.. a brat!?! Why do people get to automatically judge you before they even try to understand you!? even though I am these ways, I am always respectful. I am always kind. In fact, if you asked my husband, he gets told almost on a daily how much people love me and how lucky he is (their words not mine!)! I will admit, I am a nice person. I have a kind heart. I forgive easily and I try to see the best in everyone. I just have this little quirk about myself.. I’m shy. But I know it and I am ok with it. That’s one reason it took me so long to even start a blog. I was afraid to be open. Afraid to be vulnerable. Was I maybe too shy to have a blog?! I wasn’t sure. But now, I am confident, I’m not afraid. Sure I am still an introvert and shy, but I have found a love and a strength in myself and blogging.

I used to be so afraid for anyone to know my story because they may judge me even more, or they may actually -KNOW- my truth. And really, my life is a series of crazy, chaotic, reality tv worthy DRAMA. But my life is also gentle, happy and filled with adventures and LOVE. I am just a normal person making my way through life the best that I can. I am just a mommy trying her hardest, always making decisions for my children’s best interests and sometimes quietly crying inside over the chaos. I am just a wife trying to do right by my husband and trying to be there for him every day and love him more every day. I am just a daughter trying to make my parents proud.

I am just Brittni… trying to live a life that doesn’t need recovering from. Trying be be my best self always. Yes, Myself and my life may be hot messes, but that’s ok. That’s life. I love me. I love my life. It took me many years to be able to say that.

Love, Brittni Kat