coparenting · divorce · marriage · truth

Growth through pain

I was married for seven years. With this man, we share three children together. With this man I have been to Hell and back over and over again. With endless court dates, walking on egg shells, countless affairs, lying, a secret life, malicious intentions, narcissistic abuse, and abandonment all on his end and countless tears on mine.

Sure, I could say that this man ruined me. I could say I wasted seven years on him. I could say he’s ruining our children. I could say I hate him. Sure. I could say a lot.

But he didn’t ruin me. He strengthened me. He taught me my worth by treating me as worthless. I don’t hate him and I never will. He is the father of my children. I will never feel as though I wasted time or love being with him because I got three beautiful babies from him. I will never give him the satisfaction of him thinking he broke me, when he didn’t. He strengthened me.

Fortunately for me, I have grown and I will continue to grow. I have learned and I will continue to keep learning. I am grateful to my ex husband, because I am now a wiser woman. I have strength now. I know my worth now. I am a survivor now. I am not afraid anymore. And because of that, my children have an strong mommy who will never back down, because they are always my inspiration.

The truth is, I want my ex to succeed in life. I want him to find happiness in life. I want him to feel safe and loved. I pray for my ex a lot. I pray that he finds whatever he needs to find to be a dad that my children will look up to, be Inspired by, feel safe around. Some of y’all may wonder how I could be so warm to someone who was so cold to me. The answer is simple. He is the Father of my children and if he succeeds, my children succeed. If he’s happy, my children have a happy daddy. If he’s content, my children are content.

All that matters is that we are our children’s parents. Nothing else will matter. What he did during our marriage does not mean he can’t change. It doesn’t mean my children have to be involved. It doesn’t mean I have to live my life in resentment or depression. That wouldn’t serve any of us, and it would only affect me, not him. I just try to do what would make my children proud. I try to always make decisions based off of their needs- never mine. It’s not about my ex or I. It never really was. It was always about the children to me.

I never really was “in” my marriage. After my exes first affair in the first few months of our marriage, I checked out of my marriage. I never really gave myself fully to him again. There were times I’d try, but ultimately I’d given up and I knew deep down why. I somehow knew I didn’t want the marriage, I knew it was only about my kids. I stayed way too long just to give our children a full family. When in reality, I should’ve left my husband at the time the second I disconnected. It would’ve been a lot easier then. Maybe that way It could’ve been a better life for my children.

But I refuse to live in the shoulda, coulda, woulda’s. I will rise above. I will always come out on top. I am grateful for the path I’ve been given. I am blessed with knowledge and experience now. I am truly my own inspiration now and I am proud to say that I love myself. I LOVE MYSELF! 🙌🏻

Love, Brittni

I do it all for them.

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