marriage · parenting · truth · Uncategorized

Not a perfect Wife

I will be the first to admit that I am not a perfect Wife.

I will never feel like I am a perfect Wife.

But I feel like it can be good to feel that way. It reminds you to keep striving to be the perfect Wife. It helps me stay focused on what my goals are for my marriage.

I am on my second marriage. I came with baggage, with children, with a lifestyle and memories. My husband did t just have to date me, he had to date my children and I. He had to come in and try to blend with our already established lives and ways. He had to take on an ex husband as well-which meant chaos, court dates, arguments, coparenting, custody battles, hostility.

My poor Husband had to take on more than just me. That couldn’t have been easy for him. Honestly.. I look up to him for doing it, because I would t ever do it.

Being a step parent is rough! Fortunately my children all love and adore him, so I lucked out!!

Because he did all of that for me- I will always feel a sense of not being enough for him.. not being his dream girl.. I always have a little bit of self doubt in myself. But I am who I am. I have chaos in my life and I have children with my ex husband. And for my husband to accept that and still think that I am his dream girl- wow! I am one lucky gal!

Frequently I wonder.. what do I bring to the table? We all know what my husband brings. He’s the provider, he took on a family of four, he has to deal with my ex. My husband does a lot. But me? What do I do? Some days it’s perfectly clear, others.. no so much.

I strive for perfection a lot. I want to be the perfect mom, the perfect wife, the perfect daughter.. I want to make people happy and make them feel loved. I want to be looked up to as inspiration and mom goals. I want to better the world and be an example. I want to be a good LDS woman. A good coparent. I want to get along with my ex husband. His girlfriend. His family. I want everyone to see me how I know I am.

But for some reason, I fall short. I try so hard and always am at a state where I just feel like I never will get exactly where I am striving to be.

I am a complex woman. I struggle with mental health issues and I will NEVER be ashamed of that. I am diagnosed with bipolar, anxiety, depression, split personality and borderline personality disorder.

Most people would say I’m a mess. I’m crazy. But I’m not. I actually handle myself fairly well. Sure I have moments where I struggle, but my support system always helps me rise back up. I choose to stay Unmedicated. I don’t love the idea of medication, and I had many issues when I was medicated, so because of that, I choose to maintain a natural way to help battle it. And for me it works.

I am also introverted and shy. I am happy being that way, it a lot of people think I am rude because they are naive to who I really am. People tend to judge me before they know me. But unless I am very comfortable with you, I am quiet, reserved, standoffish. I was never comfortable in a large crowd. But I am happy that way. I feel safe that way. I see it as, the less a person speak to me, the less they have to judge me on. It’s my security blanket.

I also struggle with self esteem issues. I have always had body dysmorphia. I have had eating disorders. I am real and I am raw. I am a work in progress!

And even though I personally truly struggle with my ex and his third parties, I still care deeply for him because he is the father of my children and I don’t want my kids to ever feel like I hate him or wish him ill. I want my kids to have their dad. I want them to have a relationship with him. I never want them to feel opposite. I want my ex to succeed. I want my ex to find happiness. I want him to find peace. I want all of this because I want my children to have a father who is at his best. I want them to see their mommy and their daddy get along for THEM.

Coparenting isn’t about he and I- it’s about the children. The parenting schedules the court makes are for the kids- not us. Everything about my ex and I isn’t really about my ex and I.. it’s about the kids. This will be a good topic for a later time!

My whole point is, I am not a perfect wife. I am not a perfect mommy. I am not a perfect daughter. But I never give up on myself. I always do my very best to achieve that goal. I always try.

I am real. I am raw. I am a work in progress.

I am Brittni.

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